


Hoggy Warty Hogwarts

by squirrelasinthewoodlandanimal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:41:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28353348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squirrelasinthewoodlandanimal/pseuds/squirrelasinthewoodlandanimal
Summary: Lydia Kaminsky wishes she could find a job teaching math at a nice No-Maj school. Instead, she ends up teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts.She quickly finds out why no one has lasted more than a year in decades.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 35





	1. Job Search

_No one in the real world will expect me to actually write lesson plans like this, let alone a unit plan with this level of detail. Ugh._

Setting aside the algebra textbook with a sigh, Lydia opened her email. Maybe there would be good news on the job hunt front.

_Dear Ms. Kaminsky,_

_We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you an interview at this time._

Sighing again, she skimmed the rest of the email. _Irregularities with your college transcript…apply again in the future with appropriate documentation…_

All the same things the last five public school systems had said.

*** *** ***

“No, Mom, sending the transcripts again won’t help!”

“But you do have a math degree! You just need them to see it!”

“Well, Mom…” _No one has bothered to tell them that the wizarding university system exists? It doesn’t help that my high school isn’t in their system, either? I look like someone trying to pass off a fake degree from a diploma mill?_ “…It wouldn’t be the right fit anyway,” she said, knowing it wouldn’t satisfy her mother any more than the last fifteen minutes on the phone had.

“Sweetie, you figured this out for grad school. Why can’t you just do some wand-wave-y thing and let them see what you want them to see?”

Lydia grinned. Twenty-four years of marriage to Dad, and Mom still thought of magic as a wand-wave-y thing that could fix any problem without repercussions. Naïve, maybe, but a testament to the strength of her parents’ marriage – and to her mother’s confidence that Dad could make everything turn out ok. “I can’t confund my way out of this, Mom. I’ll keep looking. Maybe some magical school will eventually be looking for a math teacher. Or defense. I mean, I’d really rather teach math, but the odds of finding someone who believes my college exists and also wants me to teach math are pretty slim, so…maybe I need to widen my job search.”

“You’d be the one to know about odds, sweetie.”

“I wish I didn’t. I don’t ever want to teach statistics. Listen, I’ve got to go. Talk to you later, ok? Love you.”

*** *** ***

Grad school admissions had been so _easy_ compared to this. The U had a liaison for students applying to No-Maj graduate school programs and jobs, and Lydia had gotten into her M.Ed. program with no questions asked about the “questionable existence of her undergraduate institution” or “a double major in a subject no one has heard of.” True, it had been her fault she had submitted the wrong transcripts when she applied to HCPS, the ones that had “Defense Against the Dark Arts” listed alongside math as her double majors, but it was _not_ her fault that every damn school system in the state seemed to use Applitrack and they all got the same copies.

Lydia was starting to despair of ever getting an interview. In an unprecedented move, even the school system she was currently student teaching in had declined her an interview because of the inconsistencies in her application. Private schools either weren’t looking to hire anyone at the moment, or had similar issues with her transcripts.

Perhaps the funniest was the call she’d gotten from the assistant principal of a local Catholic elementary school. “Listen, we would love it if we could interview you, but I have a cousin and I know what kind of school you went to for undergrad. We make all of our employees sign a statement of faith, and I don’t want to put you in a position where you aren’t able to sign it in good conscience because of the…other…part of your life.”

Great. Even No-Majs who were in on the wizarding world weren’t willing to give her a chance.

*** *** ***

Drinking in the smell of her tea, Lydia unlocked her phone to read the text from her friend Emma. Emma was currently working in London, and she kept forgetting that a reasonable 9 am text for her was a 3 am text that Lydia wouldn’t read til she was good and awake.

_Any luck with the job search yet? You could always apply for this haha_

Lydia squinted. The attached image was a picture of a classified ad from a newspaper. _Wanted: Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. Must have post-secondary credentials in Defense. Must be willing to live on-site during work week. Experience in education preferred. Owl for details: Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland._

Hah. As if she would. There were plenty of math jobs in the Chicago area, and Lydia just needed to find one.

*** *** ***

_How’d the interview go? Saw that ad in the paper again and thought of you._

Was it worth telling Emma that the only reason this school had reached out to interview her was to double-check that her degree was in fact a fraud and to tell her not to bother applying with their system ever again, since there was now a red flag on her record?

Probably not.

 _Not quite right,_ Lydia texted back. _Maybe better luck with the next one._

_You know, I can owl them if you want, since I’m local._

In May, Lydia hadn’t even considered it. In late July, with her teaching friends getting hired left and right, and no American magical schools with defense positions open…

_Sure. Why not. Can I email you my resume?_

*** *** ***

“Sweetie, it just seems like a big step for a job you don’t even have. Do you even know who these people are?”

“Mom, it’s one of the most famous magical schools in the English-speaking world. It would be silly to turn down an interview with them.” Lydia crossed her fingers and hoped her mother wouldn’t think to ask why “one of the most famous magical schools in the English-speaking world” was still looking to fill a position in a core subject at the beginning of August when their school year started in September. Honestly, Lydia didn’t know herself, and she was a little afraid to find out. “And if it doesn’t work out, at least I’ll get to spend some time with Emma. I haven’t really gotten to see her since we graduated and she moved to London.”

“All right, dear. Be careful with the Food.”

Lydia shook her head. Somehow, despite having a Floo connection in her living room and using it regularly to visit her in-laws, Lydia’s mother hadn’t quite grasped the concept. Like so many things about the life her husband and her children lived, she loved them, accepted whatever happened, and ignored what she did not understand. Like Floo travel.

“I’ll be careful, Mom. Just like a visit to Grammy’s. I’ll call you from Emma’s when I get there. Love you.”

“Love you too, sweetie. I believe in you.”

Hanging up, Lydia shouldered her bag and headed into the Floo hub.


	2. The Interview

“Lydia!”

“Emma! I’m so excited to see you!” Lydia gave Emma half a hug around her bag. “How are you?”

“Pretty swamped with work, honestly. I’ll have to go back once I’ve dropped you off at home. Just got another owl for you before I left – do you want any food on the way home?” Emma looked at her slyly. “McDonald’s shake to dip your fries in?”

“You know me too well. That sounds perfect,” said Lydia. “I had no idea you had McDonald’s here.”

“Honestly, Lydia, did you do _any_ research before you applied for this job?”

“In my defense, _some_ one talked me into it.”

*** *** ***

Lydia happily dunked her fries in her milkshake while Emma wound her way through traffic. “Do you usually drive around here? This is nuts.”

Emma gave her own milkshake a longing glance, but kept her hands on the steering wheel. “Not usually. I’m not great at Side-Along Apparition, as you are well aware” – Lydia giggled, remembering a particularly eventful night in college – “and bringing you and your bag along sounded like too much for me. Since the Floo hub isn’t in a great place for the Tube, car it is.”

“Do many of your coworkers drive?”

“No, hardly any. It seems like the magical folks around here aren’t quite as integrated with the No-Maj community. The guy in the next cubicle didn’t know what I was talking about when I said I spent my weekend watching Netflix!” Emma looked chagrined. “I haven’t put my finger on why, exactly. But it’s not like home.”

“I sort of guessed that already, I think.” Lydia chewed thoughtfully. “What kind of country is this where people ask for job inquiries by owl, anyway? That’s a throwback.” If she were perfectly honest with herself, Lydia was concerned about this job interview. She’d spent the last six months applying for jobs using online systems and getting automated emails back. Sending off her resume via owl, courtesy of Emma, sent out tingles of a “not quite right” feeling she hadn’t shaken off yet. _An interview is an interview,_ Lydia thought. _I’ll take what I can get._

“Lyds, I’m not concerned about the owls so much as I am concerned about you. I know I offered to send the owl, but…” She tried to gather her thoughts. “Since I did, I’ve been paying more attention to what people say around the office. Hogwarts doesn’t sound like any school in the States. It seems more…traditional?” Emma laughed. “Well, if owls and parchment isn’t traditional, I don’t know what is. But seriously, Lydia, do you know? About the battle? About the war?”

“C’mon, Emma, we took that stupid History 220 class together! You know I studied modern world history.” Lydia frowned. “I did try to look up more on the internet, but I couldn’t find much about it besides what we talked about in class.”

“It’s great to have you here, and I’m so glad we can hang out, but really think about this, Lyds. If they offer you the job, I’ll be so happy for you, but I don’t know if it’s anything like you’re expecting,” said Emma. “Look before you leap, I guess. Moving to another country is hard.”

“But I’ve got you, Em!” Lydia gave her a grin. “Even if it doesn’t pan out, I’m sure it’ll be ok.”

*** *** ***

Lydia shifted in her seat. She felt out of place in the blazer and slacks that had served her so well through observations and the one interview she’d managed earlier in the summer. _At least her robes match the owls, I guess,_ she thought mischievously. Professor McGonagall’s outfit looked like something straight out of a period drama.

Of course, that was nothing compared to the fact that Lydia was at an interview at an _actual castle_.

Or the niggling feeling at the back of her brain that she had heard the name McGonagall somewhere before. _She certainly looks old enough to have been in one of my textbooks…_

“Miss Kaminsky?”

“Oh, pardon me. What did you ask?” Lydia cringed internally. _What an awful start._

“Would you like some tea, Miss Kaminsky?” Professor McGonagall asked crisply.

“Yes, please. Thank you.”

”Biscuit?” Lydia stared blankly at her. “Oh, I’m sorry. Would you like a cookie?”

“Yes, please.” _Is this an interview, or a tea party?_ They sat in silence for a few moments, sipping their tea.

Professor McGonagall set down her tea cup and heaved a sigh, as if unsure where to start. “Miss Kaminsky, what do you believe qualifies you for this position?”

Lydia swallowed. _Now, isn’t that the million-dollar question._ “I have a bachelor’s degree in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and I just finished my master’s in education. I have my initial teaching certification with an endorsement in secondary mathematics in the state of Illinois, though I suppose that doesn’t entirely translate here. I finished up my student teaching this spring, which was with algebra I and pre-calculus at a high school. I’ve always loved working with kids, and this job represents a unique opportunity to blend my magical knowledge with my passion for effective No-Maj teaching methods. I know I don’t have as much teaching experience as I could have, but I want to learn and I think I can do it.” Crossing her fingers, she looked down at her lap, hoping that she wasn’t babbling too much.

When she looked up, the elderly professor was looking on her much more kindly than Lydia thought she deserved. “You know, Miss Kaminsky, this is the first time I’ve had anyone with those particular qualifications apply for this job in the twenty years I’ve been interviewing people for it.” Lydia blinked. _Twenty years…?_

“Frankly, no one else has applied, and as it is a core subject, starting the year without someone covering defense would leave us in a bit of a pickle. Would you be able to move in next week?”

_Wait. What? Don’t you want to know about my classroom management procedures? My experience incorporating technology into instruction? My teaching philosophy? ANY OF IT?_

*** *** ***

“Sweetie! Why didn’t you call this morning?” _You would have been asleep, Mom!_

“I was at my interview. It went pretty well. They…they offered me the job,” Lydia said. “And they want me to start next week.”

Stunned silence met her at the other end of the phone. “Mom?”

“That’s great, sweetie. Are you going to take it? I’m sure we could find you something closer to home.”

Lydia sighed. “Mom, we've talked about this. No one in Chicago wants to hire me. Maybe if I have a year or two here, I can come back later on.”

"Whatever you think, dear. We'll support you whatever you decide."

*** *** ***

 _Why won’t that thing stop_ staring _at me?_

Lydia had been looking eye-to-eye with Emma’s owl, Bob, for a good ten minutes.

_Surely it can’t be too hard to attach my letter…_

*** *** ***

Half an hour later, Emma came home to find a bedraggled Lydia laying in the middle of the living room floor, exhausted but victorious in her struggle with Bob.

“So, how’d it go?”

“Time for a celebratory milkshake.”


End file.
